Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Of course I have a pirate flag
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
