im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
vagina is talking i cant
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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