Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
