My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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