I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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