I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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