When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
