If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
