I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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