How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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