She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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