I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
