We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
