Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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