Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
