Pants 0. Shit 1.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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