Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
