hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
