Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
