I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
