Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
