i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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