There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think I sprained my soul last night
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
