Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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