Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
