singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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