I wish I only lived at night.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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