You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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