My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
