you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
