areolas are like halos for boobs.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
