i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
