If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
