Whats the glycemic index on semen?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
your like the ambassador to my penis.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
