Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She bit a glass in half.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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