oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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