I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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