Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
