i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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