I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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