the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
