did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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