So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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