If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
