this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
