Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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