why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
