I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
