just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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