3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
