shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
